MENOPAUSE—WTF Just Happened?

Everything they didn’t tell you about menopause (but I will).

** Disclaimer: This piece is not for the faint of heart!

Let’s Get Real

I am not a writer — but I love telling a story. My story.

In my life, there are no taboos for discussions — well, maybe sexual positions — but beyond that, I’m extremely honest. With myself, and with the people around me. Over the years, I’ve smoothed some rough edges and might hold back… if you don’t ask me directly.

BUT

When it comes to menopause, oh honey, I’ve got enough material for a full hour (and then some) of stand-up comedy.

You forgot I told you

Which is why, when my bestie H recently said, “You never warned me about the ‘murder scene period’,” I was shocked. Because I know I did!

But hey — part of this beautiful, chaotic journey is forgetfulness. Hers, not mine.Well... mostly. I started out with a steel-trap memory, so losing a little will probably only serve me in the long run. Because let’s be real — if you don’t want me to remember, you better not tell me.

So, H, this one’s for you. And for all the women in my life — whether you’re post-, peri-, or still to come. For every woman who’s said, “Why didn’t anyone warn me?” And perhaps for their husbands as well...

Because I don’t want to hear:

“I didn’t know.”

“Nobody talks about it.”

“No one told me.”

So here it is, loud and proud:

I told you!

Of course, I get the “deluxe” version

Let’s start with some baseline — if someone is going to get something in a unique way, it’s moi, yours truly!

Veins, cellulite, Jewish weird genes carrier, extra metatarsal in both of my feet, crazy PMS, crazy long periods, S-shaped scoliosis, Botox doesn’t even work on me, borderline A1C even though I don’t touch gluten and sugar (but I am tenaciously working on it) Meshugana family, Holocaust family, crazy first husband… yada yada yada…

So, when my time came to deal with menopause, I thought it would be easy breezy.

After all, I paid my dues.

I figured the second half of life would finally chill out. I thought, “I’ll get the scenic float ride - let me rest a bit, maybe even toss me a few dividends.”

But oh no.

Not me.

Class five rapids! Class Five!

Hot Flashes and Fountains

I turned 50 on October 8th, 2022.

remember thinking to myself, dang girl, you are rocking it!

I looked marvelous, felt incredible, had glowing skin, a great healthy heart, and was happy with my size and weight.

50 is great!

A few months later, I was sitting there, minding my own business, and—OMG, WTF, cheese and crackers—was I really experiencing a hot flash? A hot flash???

I am always freezing. Always! Even in 90 degrees, I need a little something-something sweater…But this time, I was hot. Not hot like “I look good”—burning and sweaty.

Then came the night sweats—which, by the way, are totally different from hot flashes. Did you know that?

No, you didn’t. You know why? Because no one told you. No one prepared you.

But worry no more. I am here to tell you everything.

No menopause symptom will be left behind.

Let’s go back to the night sweats.

I’m lying there in bed — because, hello, you can’t even fall asleep, or if you do, it’s only for a minute before you’re wide awake again (another symptom) — when suddenly, there’s this warm fountain pouring out of my chest. Honestly, I didn’t even know I had sweat pores there.

A FOUNTAIN!

So, of course, I woke up my husband because I couldn’t keep this miraculous discovery to myself.

I gently put his hand on the pulsating fountain.

I can share that he was amazed… but not amused.

His wife?

Not sexy at that moment.

Just a hot, wet mess.

The symptom Parade

So, what did we cover so far?

Crazy periods — the kind that look like a murder scene. Like your liver exploded and is coming out of your vagina. They can come every two weeks or every six months.

Hot flashes all day long — this sensation creeping from the back of your hands: clammy, moist, hot — up your chest, your neck, all the way to your cheeks and the crown of your head. You are simply glistening. Unpredictable.

I just tell people — strangers or not — “Sorry, I’m in the middle of a hot flash,” and own it like a champ.

I remember dinners with my husband and daughter when I literally ripped my clothes off my body — and 30 seconds later, I’m freezing again.

Sleepless nights, pure exhaustion, wandering thoughts, thinking, “Take me now, God, just take me now. It’s okay. I’m ready,” combined with fountains pouring out.

The Rage Phase

Since I’ve mentioned my husband a couple of times now… let’s go there.

HE is so annoying.

And I lose it with him — full-on psychotic attacks.

Your head is telling your mouth to shut up. But the mouth? Oh no. It doesn’t listen.

And so, you keep screaming — everything he’s ever done wrong, everything you’ve ever held in. And somewhere in the middle of it all, you yell: “By the way, this is really you — this is NOT menopause talking!”

And he believes me. Oy.

So, he walks away — because he doesn’t play my game.

And that? That makes it even worse.

Eventually, I suggest that maybe instead of walking away, he should just squeeze me — hard — like a kid on the spectrum.

And he looks at me like I’m even more crazy than before and says,

“No way! Too many knives around.”

It’s hard to believe couples recover from that.

Just When You Think That’s It…

Hold on, wait — there’s more.

Borderline depression.

Ugly cries.

Less ugly cries.

Tears that come out of nowhere and make absolutely no sense.

Weight gain — for me, 23 pounds in 7 months. Boom.

Constipation! Yes, literally — my poop turned into the painful birth of geode rocks.

Blood tests? Once pristine — because I’m a health freak — now all over the place. No matter what you eat (or don’t), how much you work out (or don’t) ... nothing works.

Never in my life did I have elevated LDL. Never!

Suddenly, it’s up.

Then came dry mouth syndrome — which, surprise! — led to yeast/thrush in the corners of my mouth. Did you know that’s a menopause symptom?

Hold on — what now? Thrush???

Jeez.

Libido? Meh…

It’s not gone — it just takes longer to find the matches… and a lot more wood.

And I can’t not mention the new aches and pains that show up every new dawn. I once heard that getting old is like cooking bacon while naked—you know it's gonna hurt, but you don’t know exactly where. Well, menopause is kind of like cooking bacon naked!

AND it’s scary (and a special kind of low) when your teenage daughter, who’s dealing with her own hormonal chaos, and in mid-meltdown herself over absolutely nothing, looks at you stunned and perhaps - horrified – because this is what she has to look forward to.

Menopause is a hell of an unpredictable roller coaster.

Time Is Your Friend

It’s humbling to think that I believed it wouldn’t happen to me — me, the poster child for self-care and a health-conscious life.

Menopause is not fair. And I blame Eve.

Yes, Eve.

She ate the apple instead of the snake — and now we, women, are paying the price.

And what’s the punishment for boys?

Because let’s face it — Adam was there too!

Oh, right. Sensitive testicles. Wow. Big deal.

Maybe we weren’t supposed to live much longer after childbearing age.

Maybe women never even reached post-menopause a trillion years ago — because we weren’t supposed to.

But now we do. And we get to live to tell the story.

But do you know what a great comedy is? It’s really just a tragedy — with time.

Time is your friend.

Time heals everything

Time is your friend.

And so are a few Ayurvedic practices and herbs.

(I chose not to use hormone replacement therapy — but that’s a very personal choice.)

The Other Side

I’m almost 53.

I’m post-menopause.

My husband still likes me.

I’ve removed 25 lbs.

I get a good night’s sleep most nights.

The psychotic attacks are gone — at least the ones that were menopause-related.

Barely any hot flashes or night sweats anymore.

I’m feeling probably 90% myself again.

Oh — and I fired my OBGYN.

She told me, at the beginning of this whole journey, that I was doomed and my vagina would probably shrivel and die – true story - I can’t make this up.

 Now, you can’t say you didn’t know. Remember, you’ve been warned!